3. ‘Remembering it all’.

A client once asked me, ‘How do you remember everything?’ A simple enough question, but one that helped me articulate something I’d never really thought about before, and definitely never said out loud. It also highlighted to me something else; the often one-sidedness of the ‘therapeutic relationship’. There's a good reason why I won’t answer some client questions (more on this another time), but I thought this was an example of a question that gives clients an insight into some of the things that go on before and after sessions. I hope that, in trying to ‘demystify’ some of the process, it makes counselling and psychotherapy more accessible for clients who are yet to step forward. 

There were different aspects to the answer, from the more to less obvious. I should also say it was MUCH briefer than what I’ve written below - no client should ever pay to be talked at by their therapist! 

I also want to caveat all of this with, I don’t remember everything about everyone, all the time! And that’s OK. More than anything, it makes me very human. Not an elephant. But also, it risks perhaps missing the point. This work isn’t about a therapist’s ability to recall information. First and foremost it’s about connection and relationship. An ability to recall information is a useful tool to support and enhance that primary goal, especially if you’re able to remember the things that matter most to each individual client. So whilst not the most important thing, it’s nonetheless important, and certainly useful. 

So, to answer the question, here’s how I remember lots of stuff!…

1. I remember a lot about my clients because… I write things down. 

Perhaps this is cheating a bit? But bear with me. I always explain this at the beginning of any new relationship with clients, however, I appreciate that in our first proper session together, there’s likely a little bit of nervousness in the room. Therefore, for a brain that’s trying to balance its attention from flight/fight to rational/logical… it’s not particularly important information at that stage! (I should say it’s also included in my written agreement with clients). 

But yes, the simple answer is, I write stuff down (after, not during the session!). And for each client I have a separate little notebook. Containment is a useful thing in this line of work!

Writing things down isn’t uncommon for therapists, and for obvious reasons; there’s a lot to remember (or ‘hold’). I refer to these as my supervision notes, they’re typically handwritten (so barely readable!), and coded - no names or identifiable information are recorded). But all therapists will work in their own way. 

After every session, I sit down for around 10 minutes and try to capture reflections in two rough categories – content and process. 

I’ll jot down some of the key points of discussion, i.e. what was said. This could be notable topics, people who seem important (again codified so unidentifiable), pets(!) and the tangible things that came up in the session. I refer to these sorts of reflections as ‘content’; the ‘things’ that make up our day to day lives and the topics of our conversations. 

Particularly important though, I also try to identify what wasn’t said; i.e. what was in the room but that didn’t get addressed? What were the feelings that were present but didn’t get articulated in the session? What did I experience that may in fact be something that belongs to the client (this is called this ‘transference’)? What did I experience in reaction to the client (‘countertransferrance’)? How old did the client feel in relation to the content being discussed? I refer to these sorts of reflections as ‘process’. 

Perhaps it’s no surprise then, that before each session, I also spend around 10 minutes re-reading the notes. I always find it interesting how, a week  later (or however long it’s been), I have so much more perspective on previous sessions. Sometimes when you’re ‘in’ it (and still in it immediately after the session), you can’t always see or feel the things that are staring you in the face. So I find it very helpful to recap what we covered, and to re-immerse myself back into that individual client’s life; their space, their world. 

As a side, ‘supervision notes’ are unsurprisingly also used to support me during supervision. Supervision is something all therapists are ethically obliged to be having on a regular basis. And, it’s magic. I’ll do more on this another time, but for now, it means I spend time with another therapist, who works in a similar enough way to me, and they help me to help my clients; to help me see what I might be missing, to shine new perspectives on the content and the process, to challenge me, to ensure I’m working ethically. All sorts of good stuff! But again, they’re also bound to work by an ethical framework. This is something professionals, within the profession, take seriously. 

I should also add, the additional benefit of writing things down is also really important; it helps me be boundaried with my clients and it supports me with my own ‘self-respect’ - one of my professional body’s six ethical principles (see BACP). By dedicating a little notebook to each client, and time to capture what’s important, it means that when that book closes, so too does the part of my mind that is consciously holding that client. There’s something important to me in the physicality of this process (it’s why I also handwrite everything, AND in pencil, it’s a metaphysical process!); connection perhaps? Once the book is closed, the subconscious can do its work. 

2. I remember a lot about my clients because… I choose to work with a smaller number at any one time. 

I recognise that I’m fortunate to be able to make this choice, but there’s good reasons for it as well. At one point in my time as a secondary school teacher, I had around 500 pupils on my registers. I knew all their names, and many names of pupils I didn’t teach as well, and I worked hard to have some sort of connection with all of them. I believe deeply that ‘they don’t care what you know until they know you care’. So a name only scratches the surface. But wanting to do good by so many simply wasn’t sustainable. At this early stage in my career, I simply wasn’t able to establish healthy boundaries to help me sustain the job at hand. No regrets, that ‘failure’ has allowed for personally profound learning and evolution since. It eventually led me here. 

It was a similar experience whilst working with primary school pupils as well.  Whilst I had far fewer pupils on my register, I still felt the demand for connection with more individuals than I could achieve at a level I felt personally comfortable with. I emphasise personally to highlight the importance of individual choice; I like to connect with people on a deep level and I discovered I couldn’t balance this with so many people around me also looking for connection. 

And so, having experienced the demands of working with so many, I’ve learnt that, for me, less is more. 1. It works for my wellbeing; I’d be a hypocrite to encourage others to look after themselves if I wasn’t doing it myself, and 2. it allows me to connect with my clients on a deeper level - something that, if they’re looking for, I can offer and sustain!

And finally… 

3. The most important reason I remember so much about my clients is because… I genuinely care about them. 

This one is massive. Whilst it’s also tied in with pretty much everything I’ve reflected on above (i.e. I do my work diligently because I care about my clients), there’s something more important going on with this one. 

The client who asked the question had completed almost 40 sessions. There’s simply no way I’m going to remember it all, and I’m certainly not going to be writing it all down. So, what else is going on that means I’m connecting deeply with each of my client’s world? Well, quite simply it’s because I really do care about them, and, because the relationship is real. 

It’s a strange one this, with regards to the relationship. Of course the time is being paid for – a cynic might say, therefore, that the relationship exists purely because the client is paying for it; if the client stops paying, the relationship also ends. Logically there’s some truth to that, but it doesn’t then explain the voluntary hours I do…?! 

This work will never be about the money, so it has to be about something else; something more than. Perhaps in its simplest form, and I can only speak for myself, it’s about the relationship; it’s about a natural disposition of caring about others; it’s about a deep and fundamental belief in the goodness of people and their ability to grow. Perhaps it’s what some would refer to as a ‘calling’? If so, that certainly begins to enter some interesting territory! But we can do more on the idea of callings another day. 

But let’s definitely leave it here for now. Luckily this wasn’t my answer to the client who asked; I’d have owed them for the session! But hopefully, in sharing this, it helps unveil some of what goes on beyond the therapy session - both the tangible and the nebulous.